Learn more about the five stages of grief and loss, why they affect everyone differently, and whether your experience is healthy.
Grief is one of the most complex human experiences. Your grief journey may include unexpected emotions, or you may find your feelings are more or less intense than you thought they would be. Grief is difficult to predict, and there’s a wide range of experiences that are considered normal. Still, many people want to know what to expect when they’re grieving. The five stages of grief can be useful to shed some light on what the grieving process may look like — understanding that grief looks different for everyone.
“The stages of grief are not meant to be prescriptive but rather descriptive. They are meant to give more detail and context about grief to help normalize the experience for the individual griever,” says Jaymie Byron, LMFT and grief therapist.
The guidance below was reviewed by Jaymie Byron, LMFT, and Community & Education Director at Kara Grief.
What are the five stages of grief and loss?
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They are not a sequence and not a checklist: most people move between them, repeat them, or never experience one of them at all. What follows is what each stage tends to feel like, and why the order matters less than most people expect.
The five stages were first published in a 1969 book by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and are also known as the Kübler-Ross model of grief. As the model gained popularity, the experts behind the book clarified that the stages of grief are not prescriptive—everyone experiences them differently.
Denial
Denial is the mind buying time. In the first hours and days after a death, it can feel as though the news has not landed, or as though you are watching yourself go through the arrangements from somewhere outside your body. This is not weakness or refusal to accept the truth. It is a protective response that lets grief arrive at a pace you can survive.
What it can look like: numbness, a sense of unreality, going through practical tasks with unusual calm, catching yourself expecting them to walk in.
Anger
Anger is often the first feeling that breaks through the numbness, and it rarely lands where it makes sense. People find themselves furious at a doctor, at a family member, at the person who died, at themselves, or at nothing they can name. Anger is easier to feel than helplessness, and it gives the pain somewhere to go.
What it can look like: irritability, resentment of people whose lives carried on, guilt about the anger itself, a short fuse over small things.
Bargaining
Bargaining is the “if only” stage. If only we had gone to the doctor sooner. If only I had called that night. It can take the form of a deal with a higher power, or simply an endless replaying of the days beforehand looking for the moment it could have gone differently. Bargaining is the mind trying to find a version of events where the loss did not happen.
What it can look like: rumination, guilt, replaying conversations, searching for a decision that would have changed the outcome.
Depression
This is the stage most people picture when they think of grief: the weight of it, the exhaustion, the flatness. It is important to say clearly that the depression of grief and clinical depression are not the same thing, though they can overlap and one can become the other. Grief comes in waves and is tied to the person you lost. If the heaviness is constant, if it does not lift at all, or if you are having thoughts of harming yourself, that is a reason to speak to a doctor or a therapist, not a stage to wait out.
What it can look like: deep fatigue, loss of appetite or interest, withdrawal from people, a sense that the future has gone flat.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the most misunderstood of the five. It does not mean being at peace with the death, and it does not mean the grief is over. It means the reality of the loss has been absorbed, and life has begun to reorganize itself around it. People often describe it as still missing the person just as much, but no longer being at war with the fact that they are gone.
What it can look like: good days and bad days rather than one continuous bad one, being able to remember them without being flattened, making plans again.
Several other experts have published other models of the stages of grief after a death that expand on the Kübler-Ross model. Many experts add a stage of guilt as well as a stage called reconstruction in which the bereaved begins to rebuild. Author David Kessler added a sixth stage to the traditional five-stage model called finding meaning: turning your loss into more love than pain.
How long do the five stages of grief last?
The five stages of grief and loss can vary widely, including how long they last. Some stages can last longer than others, and there’s no set length of time for grief in general. The stages don’t necessarily occur in the same order or at the same time for everyone. You can experience the stages in any order, repeat stages, and even experience multiple stages at the same time.
“Grief is a reflection of the depth of one’s relationship. It’s not bound by the construct of time; instead, it exists beyond time, as the griever has the option of continuing the bond even after death,” says Jaymie.
What is the hardest stage of grief?
There’s no way to tell which stage of grief will be the most difficult. Each grief journey is unique and a myriad of factors can play into how you process your loss. If you feel that you’re stuck in a painful stage, such as depression or denial, seek the support of a clinician who can help you process your feelings and teach you coping mechanisms. Support from loved ones and trained professionals is incredibly important during this time.
Is it possible to skip the stages of grief?
Not everyone grieves in the same way, and you may find that you naturally don’t experience some stages of grief and loss. For example, you might skip the bargaining phase, in which you think that if only you could do something differently or make a deal with a higher power, you could overcome your grief. Or you may skip anger, depending on the circumstances of your loss.
When you’re dealing with something as personal as grief, there is a wide range of experiences and feelings that are normal. All you need to do is allow yourself to feel. There are also many grief therapy techniques you can try to help you come to terms with your loss.
How do I know if my grief is normal?
Grief is deeply personal, so it’s difficult to predict how long the stages of grief and loss will take. However, it’s possible to tell if your grief is healthy. While grief always involves a number of intense emotions, you should begin to feel like you’re working through them and making progress. And while you’ll never “get over” a painful loss, you should believe that it’s possible to overcome your grief and regain a semblance of normalcy.
While everyone experiences grief differently, if you ever feel like you’re stuck and are unable to move forward, it may be time to seek help. No matter what you are feeling, it is important to always have hope. The pain of this loss will someday subside and hopefully encourage you to live a life that would make them proud.
If you are unsure whether what you are feeling is within the normal range, a grief counselor or your doctor can tell you, and asking is not an overreaction.
